What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Green is just blue that someone peed in
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
So inspired right now.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread