This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
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one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.