Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
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She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco