I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
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Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.