[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
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Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
#parenting
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
they really do be looking like this
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks