I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
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When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I need this for my side hustle.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Cats (2019)
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes