Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
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*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
How animals would run if they were human
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.