ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
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Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.