I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
You Might Also Like
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.