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If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Milk Cube
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.