him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
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My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Watson was Holmes schooled
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Cardio Made Easy
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.