my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
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If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.