parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
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When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.