Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
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He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.