Not recommended for beginners.
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*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me