I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
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My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Never forget.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”