FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
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It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Beauty and the Beast
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
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