Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
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[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”