If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
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‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR