Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
You Might Also Like
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching