if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
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as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…