you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
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I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Meow
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
No way!
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
good for her
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels