“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
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From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways