im 7 sauces long
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It do be feeling this way.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.