I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
You Might Also Like
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Why is no one talking about this?!
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake