When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
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[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again