there will never be a funnier headline than this one
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I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.