Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
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Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
bought wrong eggs
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.