i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
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Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
getting groceries
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
There is wisdom there.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Flock of bats
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake