4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
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mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100