Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
You Might Also Like
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Seems legit
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.