Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
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I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “