I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
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wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.