They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
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My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Stick it to the man