….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
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Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
me working on my assignments ^-^
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I’ve been drinking.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?