hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
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presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I just ran a .003048K
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.