ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life