My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
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I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.