I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
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The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek