Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
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A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
The days of good grammer has went
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.