Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
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[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
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8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.