7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
You Might Also Like
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
what?
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭