Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
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very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.