[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
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ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE