[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
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Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.