A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Yes, this is exactly right
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes