I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
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I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me: