just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
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No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
lol
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
And now we wait
LOL
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
road rage
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Godspeed, John Glenn
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.