I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
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Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
This anagram machine is out of order.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?