My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
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Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…